The Nourishing Mother: Why College Reunions Can Be Awesome

Almost five years later, it seemed not a day had passed when yesterday some of my dear college friends and I reunited. I called it a mini college family reunion in jest, and when I woke up this morning I was still thinking quite a bit about my alma mater.

Intrigued by that term and after some brief investigating I learned that while alma mater refers to one’s former university, when translated from Latin it literally means “nourishing mother.” Having studied enough object relations and attachment theory to get myself into trouble, the symbolism of this term in light of my recent reunion with some dear college friends was too good to be true.

As a brief background, one of the most influential thinkers on Object Relations Theory was Donald Winnicott. Coining the term “good enough mothering,” Winnicott argued that the task of a mother is to find the almost impossible balance between responding to the needs and demands of her child and suspending them at times to meet her own. Meeting the child’s needs helps create a child’s sense of agency in the universe, and yet not meeting the child’s needs at times begins to teach the child the limits of that agency and the reality of others in the world.

“Good enough mothering” at its heart expresses the foundation of ideal human relationships: to be seen, heard, received, and nurtured by others, and to see, hear, receive, and nurture others. Though this may sound easy, finding the balance between those two is not.

I think what makes this balance of “good enough mothering” so difficult is that it requires a lot of us. First, it requires that we are aware of who we are and what we need (which alone can feel like an impossible step). Next, it requires that we set boundaries on that awareness, which allows us to recognize who we are and who others are and to differentiate between the two. Finally, it requires us at times to bracket our needs and ourselves so that we may truly see and respond to another without our own stuff getting in the way.

“Good enough mothering” is hard work, and yet when we experience it in relationships we can recognize it immediately. Can you, dear reader, remember a time when you felt safe and trusting? I can imagine your sense of play and imagination sprung to life. You were able to once again believe that your precious and sometimes deviant little soul was seen, heard, received, and nurtured.

That’s the power of “good enough mothering.” It helps us feel alive because we connect not only to the essential parts of who we are but also the essential parts of the other. I recently came across a quote that read, “There is a child inside each one of us, who comes out in front of the person we are most comfortable with.” I can think of nothing more fitting than these words.

Much has happened these past five years in my life since college, and a lot of it has left me feeling unseen, unheard, not received, and not nurtured. There is a lot of bad mothering out there, and yet in the limited space of one afternoon with dear friends my inner child felt safe enough to play.

Yesterday I had the wonderful pleasure of reuniting with parts of my alma mater, my Nourishing Mother, and was able to feel comfortable long enough to remember what it is like to be fully alive, which inspired me to reconnect with my written voice and its power in articulating human experience. Though my college relationships were far from perfect, they continue to be a beautiful example of “good enough mothering” in my life. For that, I am forever grateful.